Dear good fellas
Dear: Hank paulson (sec of treasury) and Ben Barnake (not sure what you do.. sorry)
I am writing you this letter to wish you well. Hank I Love what you’ve done with you hair, and I have to say I hardly noticed you stutter this morning when you addressed the congress. Ben you are looking dapper as ever. How is the wife?; send my regard please. As you both know, I foolhardily endeavoured to better by myself by going to graduate school. My short sightedness in such an undertaking has landed me in a little bit of a fix with my ”school loan debt”. Any-who since we are old pals and because I kept our little secret from last years American association of financial idiots conference; under wraps. I thought you could do me a little favor. Since “money” in the billion to trillion dollar range seems to come so easily to you I thought you could help me out with my school load debt. A bail-out if you will. Lets call it a “one time” bail out. 
My 160,000 should seem like a drop in the bucket to you. If you could send a cashiers check asap I would appreciate it. thanks.
the bull
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P.S. My friend, Scott, has a business that isn’t doing well right now and is on the verge of going under. Please bail him out with a check from the government, also. Tax payers need to be “more patriotic” and help out businesses that are failing.
p.p.s. I neglected to mention that I lived within my means and stayed in the house I currently own, instead of going and getting a much bigger and nicer house. Looking back, I should have mortgaged myself up the eyeballs and got one of them McMansions. Maybe you could go ahead and buy me one. Just throw it in with all the other houses that you (read: me and my people) are buying for everyone else.
The Bull,
I am sorry to inform you, but you are way too responsible, and your level of intelligence is too high for us to help you with your financial difficulties. In the future if you will make foolish financial decisions, and get into astronomical amounts of bad debt, then we may be able to help you. Until then, please continue to pay your taxes so we can help others less wise than you.
PS, we are now personally assigning a government worker with a very high salary (paid by yours truly taxes) to monitor your financial decisions. So don’t try anything funny now.
Yours truly,
Hank Paulson, Ben Bernanke
I’m just trying to put the whole thing out of my mind…it’s not really happening. $700,000,000! Ka-ching!
April, try adding another 3 zero’s to that figure. I want my share of the money, I will pay off my house, credit card and student loans with it.
Chris