Bitterbarn’s Weblog

aka “The Bull” (some content not suitable for children or religous zealots)

I’m no wierdo… promise

I am an awful passenger on an airplane. When I say awful I mean I’m afraid, very afraid. I’m certain that my ultimate demise will come in the form of falling out of a fuselage at 40 thousand feet and not in the form of a double bacon cheeseburger.
Today I was forced to fly from Lubbock Texas to Salt Lake City Utah. I have recently been using a self soothing tactic to make it through the flights without soiling myself. I have found that if I simply strike up a conversation with the pseudopsychotherapist sitting next to me on every flight, we will talk and talk and before I know it the flight is over. This technique has been working fabulously until today. On the third leg of my travels I was late to get on the plane and ended up in the only seat available near the back of the plane next to two 13 year old girls.
As the plane began to taxi I knew I better think of something to talk to 2 adolescent girls about before the death trap took off. I felt quite awkward. Everyone knows that middle aged white men are not allowed to sit next to 13 year old girls let alone talk to them. I noticed that one of them had a french manicure only the part that is usually white was purple and glittery perfect conversation starter I thought. “no, that’s lame” I thought. When the pilot said we were clear for take off I panicked and said ” purple eh”? They both turned slowly to look at me “purple what”? “your nails, that’s cute”. ever heard the expression; Better to remain silent and thought a dirty old man than to speak up and remove all doubt. Isn’t that how it goes?
I pondered my next move and finally decided to clarify just what I was doing. “I’m not a weirdo” I said. “I just like to talk to people so it makes the flight go faster”. They were clearly unimpressed and unconvinced. We sat in silence mostly, occasionally they would through me a charity question; like, So are you from Salt Lake?, or How bout’ them peanuts?
Long story short; When we got to Salt Lake and began to make our “initial descent”. The pilot came on and said “there are some thick clouds so everyone get ready for a bumpy ride, attendants please secure the cabin for landing”. The attendants did not even have time to find their seats when there was a huge bump and the pilot said in a strange staccato like rhythm ” attendants take your seats”. Just then the two attendants I could see, sat right down in the isle and held on to arm rests on both sides. It was like a drill they had practiced before, when they heard those words. So,, near pandemonium ensues, mostly from me of course. Seriously the plane was like all over the place. I knew this was the end. I was grasping for anything I could hold onto and basically freaking out. When the pilots regained controle of the plane the girls looked at me calmly and I could almost hear them say ” yeah…. your no weirdo are you”.

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October 5, 2007 - Posted by | October | ,

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