Bitterbarn’s Weblog

aka “The Bull” (some content not suitable for children or religous zealots)


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What a Man. What a Legacy.

We’ll sing of his goodness and mercy.

We’ll praise him by day and by night.

Rejoice in his glorious gospel, and bask in

his life giving light. Thus onto eternal perfection

The honest and faithful will go, While they who reject this glad message

Shall never such happiness know.

January 30, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | | 3 Comments

Special Church

addendum 1/30/08

at the outset I’d like say that I have been up for about 40 hours now so…

We were late to church on Sunday (surprise). As we were comming into the chapel the bishop was making some kind of explanation about “special church” lol,,, (and all along I thought I was IN special church. After-all, I rode the special bus )

Anyway I kinda blew it off, like I do most things. while at Church. During the service one of my children went nuts so I took HIM/her out to the foyer. In the foyer was a mother wrestling her two year old, whom for some reason wasn’t in the “worshiping mood”. She said to me “maybe this is why we weren’t invited to special church”. I began to realize there was something going on I could really sink my teeth into.

Special Church.

As it turns out some kind of non-denominational (group/worshiping body) approached our local leadership and requested to attend one of our services as part of “this thing they do” were they go around trying out other churches and learning about other faiths. I am told there are about 60 of them. So, sensing that coming to a regular worship service wouldn’t be exactly putting our best-foot-forward. WE/they created a special service, were in; only certain families would be invited [those without kids (unless offspring of byu graduate parents)]. They idea of course was to create a service devoid of unnecessary noise (so that the spirit could prevail) because as we all know the spirit has no power over ambient noise. So special people were invited to special church.

OK, so I wasn’t invited to special church; Heaven knows I would not have wanted to go. Its just the idea that I was de-selected arbitrarily. Confirms to my mind that someone up-there/down-here doesn’t like me that much. Special church was 1, one, uno,.. one hour long. Do you know how long real church is… 3, three hours. Also I am told that at “special church” they’re were refreshments served. Whose church were we trying to portray cuz at my church, the only refreshments come in the form of the Cheerios I bring for my kids to keep them confined for three hours.

Why create a mock church. Were we/they ashamed of what real church is? Three hours, the Mormon children’s howler monkey choir and <gasp>,, no treats.

When and if I get excommunicated for this blog (for not supporting my local leaders) which I do. I would like to be the first one to sign up for “special church” cuz that sounds like a worship service I could really sink my teeth into.

addendum 1/30/08: more information- I am told (by those who think this was a good idea) The part I missed cuz I was late to church was somthing like this. “We don’t want to offend anybody, so dont be offended,” and ” lets just keep this on the down-low” paraphrased. I just keep thinking there must be some angle to this I am missing; somthing that makes it all right and good. The zelots say “Matt whats the big deal, you blow everything out of porportion, there were 60 of them, where would they sit”. hmmm. well thats not good enough for me. as a point of calarification this was a STAKE deal. I can almost picture the high counsil meeting in my minds eye. ” oh this is a great oppurtunity, which ward should we tell them to go to”? ” well not 2nd ward that one is full of crazies”. “not 4th ward those people are too snotty”. “I know lest make up a ward”. yes yes. we’ll call it.. special church. . well gotta go looks like there are a couple of elders here to deliver me a special letter… yikes (kidding)

January 30, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | | 6 Comments

Dude, read my blog… maaannn

well, I am sorry I have been delinquent in my blogging as of late. To be honest I came into a creative slump; and was waiting. Last week, I was reminded of an old corollary of mine.

Its the Dude/man command buffer. This is a great piece of wisdom sure to make all your communications greasy smooth. As human beings we are saddled with the unbearable duty to communicate. Personally I wish we could telecommunicate. It would be man-bliss to just go around not saying anything and yet knowing all things. I am sure that if we could telecommunicate; our wives would still verbalize their needs just for fun:) (is telecommunication the right word?)

Ok back to the Dude/man command buffer. The next time you have to give a command to a co-equal ie your friend, spouse, co-worker or sibling, simply say dude in front of the command and man at the rear. You will find that you can get anyone to do anything if you do this and they will not esteem thee to be their enemy. example:

example A

1) Turn of the lights!!!

2) Dude; Turn of the lights man.

example B

1) stop touching me !!!

2) Dude, Stop touching me man

example C

1) Get out of this bed and go feed you children some breakfast, get them ready and take them to school.

2) Dude,, get out of this bed and go feed you children some breakfast, get them ready and take them to school. man…

example D

1) Don’t smoke in the house

2) dude, don’t smoke in the house man.

Now, the caveat is this. Notice in my qualifying statement I said it had to be a co-equal. The command buffer doesn’t work on kids or those who fancy themselves to be above you (funny thing about that). I tried the command buffer as a matter of shear second nature on a surgeon last week. Which category do you think he falls into. He is also elderly; so maybe I should ask myself next time “can this person check their own email”? that would be a good litmus test to go along with the command buffer. needless to say, the surgeon did not feel buffered at all.

January 23, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , | 4 Comments

Welcome Aboard (this post is for family, sorry)


Finally someone to carry on the Smith name dad says:) Dylan Victor Smith is the newest of the clan and wastes no time making his mark(so to speak). Bowel trouble is somewhat of a family legacy. My father and his father before him all had bowel issues. Why, I remember as a wee lad looking at the giant chevron shaped scar on grandpas belly countless times. To this day no one in the family actually knows what grandpa had surgery for exactly. No one needs reminding about Dad’s bowel trouble as he’s sure to tell you all about it when you see him. And for me, up until about a week ago I though pooping your pants was normal. My brother Wes turns into a monster if the hydrochloric acid Ph molarity gets to high in his stomach. Couzin Chris Actually did poop on the floor at moms house. All of these people have been screwed by (the institute of medicine) and what I mean by that is. Despite having seen and paid many “doctors” (phyiscians really) none of the afore mentioned had ever gotten a diagnosis let alone treatment. (I don’t expect (the institute of medicine) to diagnose or treat) I know better.

But this little guy not only has proclaimed his arrival as a Smith because of bowel trouble, he has actually been diagnosed and treated. This kids got gutts is more than a distasteful pun; its also true. Who pre-tel would have the “guts” to be “worked up” by intermoutain health-care physicians a day after his birth for projectile vomiting and be released with a clean bill of health? Dylan would.

Dylan is now in the NICU (newborn intensive care unit) at primary children’s hospital. One week after his birth. I will leave the particulars out and let my brother have is privacy (a little).

I salute you young nephew, and pray the phyciacans and nurses who attend you will be at their best. As they must have been for another Victor Smith (grandpa) when was in such a situation.

p.s. making light of a serious situation is a coping mechanism for me. I feel sad, mad, scared, sick and helpless….. I don’t know what else to do….

January 9, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | | 7 Comments