Bitterbarn’s Weblog

aka “The Bull” (some content not suitable for children or religous zealots)

Apocolypse NOW

I really want to write some funny crap on here and lighten the mood. But, so far I can only think of bathroom humor and self deprecating stories. Like the time I pooped my pants in the middle of a rice patty in the Philippines while waiting for public transit to take me home. I am growing hair out my left nostril now, and my eye brows are bushier (if that’s a word) than ever. And that “my friends” has everything to do with it.

In reading the news headlines I’ve noticed this about myself. I am a worry wart. The problem is,

I believe. (thankya Jesus)

I have an overactive imagination and because of this I get myself worked up into cold sweats over what normal people perceive as trivia.

I believe in E.T. not that there is life out there somewhere, but literally E.T. from the movie. As my imaginary friend (Nemesis really) from my child hood I can sense his presence in my room at night, waiting at the foot of my bed with that stupid glowing finger of his. Why he bothers me about phoning home I have no clue cuz my cell phone is clearly out on the counter.

I believe in The Karate Kid. No, I believe I am The Karate Kid. I know its just a movie but in my mind its for real and I am the overweight, bald, marshmellowy ding bat who at any moments notice can transform into a marshal arts master ready to kick some butt at any second. In fact yesterday I took out a pit bull puppy that came onto my lawn with some pepper spray (buy ah). I love that stuff and I think I am becoming immune to its effects.

I believe in an Eternal Hell whose flames acesdeth upward for ever and ever. Every night when I am about to say my prayers I am “caught up in a vision” (if you will) There I am naked as a J bird and chained to a rock There is fire shooting up at random intervals all around me I am screaming and screaming no solace to be found no respite. (except for pole dancers of course) And I think to myself (self how long have you been chained to that rock and on fire”? “Oh, only a few days and I have an Eternity to go”. Then the vision ends. Saying my prayer seems pointless.

I believe in the great depression. After reading this mornings headlines I am reminded of something my wife always says “did you cash your paycheck”? She means did you deposit your paycheck. People who are on drugs or have a gambling problem (this includes general contractors) “CASH” their paychecks. Normal sophisticated people deposit their paychecks. however, I am scared that we are all gonna be waiting in a soup line in a few weeks so this time I just might cash my paycheck.

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November 13, 2008 - Posted by | Uncategorized | ,

5 Comments »

  1. ET isn’t scary man… that one from Aliens, now thats scary! and your not Ka-ra-te Kid I am, and all I have to say about the political stuff is philabuster baby. Atleast we have SOME checks and balances… allegedly.

    Comment by Mark | November 13, 2008 | Reply

  2. Heaven for the atmosphere, and Hell for the company.

    Obama will save us. Have no fear!

    Comment by BugHunter | November 13, 2008 | Reply

  3. Also. Titling a post that way, one would expect some sort of reference to it. Maybe a bit if Nitzche quoting. A reference to “…beware hunting monsters…” Maybe a little Heart of Darkness tribute.

    “I love the smell of Napalm in the morning…”

    Comment by BugHunter | November 14, 2008 | Reply

  4. it makes you read it

    Comment by the bull | November 14, 2008 | Reply

  5. E.T. totally freaks me out too. I am positive he is hovering outside my window most nights, just waiting for me to leave it open so he can come in and kidnap me. Just ask Andrea. I used to wake up screaming bloody murder in the middle of the night from the nightmares I had about E.T. SOOO NOT a kid’s movie!

    Comment by Alayna | November 18, 2008 | Reply


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