Bitterbarn’s Weblog

aka “The Bull” (some content not suitable for children or religous zealots)


Lately my mind has been cast on things of more serious nature than I would normally have liked. This, I feel has made my blogging heavier than I want and its time for some humor. Unfortunately, With such serious engagements in my near future I have either failed to see the humor in life (omit monkey and pig story) or simply nothing funny is happening right now. So, I hearken back to a story always good for a laugh; from my tenure in the Philippines.

To know me is to know my bowels ( a wise man once said) . Within the first 6 months of my mission in the Philippines I acquired a form of diarrhea that to this day physicians can not explain to me. It’s entirely possible that I had this condition even earlier than said mission; nevertheless, I blame the Philippines.

As every good missionary knows; teaching the gospel to successful city folk is difficult. In other words people with money don’t often feel inclined to hear about religion. If they already have religion they figure its working out for them so why should they need more. I can’t imagine trying to teach successful white folk in American cities. ANYWAY; we would often travel as far to the out-skirts of our designated area as possible to find the really down and out people. Often we would have to ride a jeep-nee to get to one of these barrios. So, by time we started working in the morning we were often up to 20 miles away from our apartment.

One fateful night we had an appointment late in the evening (after dark) in this far away area. After our appointment was finished we began the walk home. Hoping that a Jeep-nee or even a man on a motorcycle would stop and pick us up. After we walked for about a mile or two, in the dark. It seemed as though getting a ride back to town was going to take some “divine intervention”.

I began to feel that rumbly-in-my-tumbly (winnie the poo). It’s is a feeling that I now characterize as the ten second warning. Having walked along this major highway for almost an hour and seeing no-one I began to wonder if it would be safe for me to just step of the side of the road and “take care of business” boy scout style. It very soon got to the point where I had no options; well ok I had two options but one of them made for a rather miserable walk home and even worse if someone picked us up. So I told my companion of my “quick and dirty” plan. I stepped about 10 feet of the side of the road, pulled my pants down and……jeepnee.jpgjeepney-group.gif

At this precise moment in time, a jeep-nee full of people stopped exactly on the side of the road where i was doing my “business”. My companion quickly jumped on and asked the driver to wait for me. As I looked up in horror, there were about 30 Filipinos stuffed in this thing; some on top, all pointing and laughing at the American squatting in the bushes next to the “busy” highway. I did get on the jeep and got ride home but the “divine intervention” left something to be desired.

March 31, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | | 1 Comment


I really respect the Maori by the way. I had a companion in Philippines. who first showed me the Haka. Then at Snow college the “polys” as we affectionately called them did it durring a talent show.

The Haka is a Maori tradional dance. for those of you from Lubbock Maori is what the orginal New Zealanders where called. Its a war dance; meant to scare and intimidate the adversary.

I have posted the New Zealand rugby team doing it.. and then somthing that happend at my mothers house. Which do you think is more scary? Who can blame me for wanting to move back home.

A special thanks to a sister in-law (of course) who took the time to post this eye-sore

now maybe you’ll belive there really is somthing wrong with me. (metabolicly I mean)..

March 4, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | | 9 Comments

Dude, read my blog… maaannn

well, I am sorry I have been delinquent in my blogging as of late. To be honest I came into a creative slump; and was waiting. Last week, I was reminded of an old corollary of mine.

Its the Dude/man command buffer. This is a great piece of wisdom sure to make all your communications greasy smooth. As human beings we are saddled with the unbearable duty to communicate. Personally I wish we could telecommunicate. It would be man-bliss to just go around not saying anything and yet knowing all things. I am sure that if we could telecommunicate; our wives would still verbalize their needs just for fun:) (is telecommunication the right word?)

Ok back to the Dude/man command buffer. The next time you have to give a command to a co-equal ie your friend, spouse, co-worker or sibling, simply say dude in front of the command and man at the rear. You will find that you can get anyone to do anything if you do this and they will not esteem thee to be their enemy. example:

example A

1) Turn of the lights!!!

2) Dude; Turn of the lights man.

example B

1) stop touching me !!!

2) Dude, Stop touching me man

example C

1) Get out of this bed and go feed you children some breakfast, get them ready and take them to school.

2) Dude,, get out of this bed and go feed you children some breakfast, get them ready and take them to school. man…

example D

1) Don’t smoke in the house

2) dude, don’t smoke in the house man.

Now, the caveat is this. Notice in my qualifying statement I said it had to be a co-equal. The command buffer doesn’t work on kids or those who fancy themselves to be above you (funny thing about that). I tried the command buffer as a matter of shear second nature on a surgeon last week. Which category do you think he falls into. He is also elderly; so maybe I should ask myself next time “can this person check their own email”? that would be a good litmus test to go along with the command buffer. needless to say, the surgeon did not feel buffered at all.

January 23, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , | 4 Comments

to breast or to bottle? That is the question.

I am gonna get this breastfeeding post out of the way cuz; I can’t sleep at night. Holding my readership in suspense is so cruel. 🙂

Why would I ever to commit to write a post about breastfeeding <to self> I’ve never breastfed anyone, heaven knows I’ve tried to breast feed myself. <butt out!! this is still to myself> . umm… I like breasts, I’ve seen my wife do it. I’ve dealt with the after math. <self, self, self>.

Ok, What I really want to do is make a mockery of people who try to breast feed but quit cuz ” it hurts 😦 )” , Then I would go on to make them feel guilty by highlighting studies that show your kid will be a ding dong if you don’t etc. etc. etc. But that line of conjecture has been played. Plus, its bad timing for me personally. So, Breast Feeding in Public.

Who can hate breastfeeding in public? not me. Sometimes, when my sister-in-law, or wife’s friend is over, sitting on our couch. she’ll say <looking at me> “is it alright if I feed him out here (in the open)”? Assuming this question is directed at me I say “absolutely its ok and I WILL LOOK “. I like to get that out in the open. Rather than continually fight the temptation to look I thinks its better if all the nursing women out there know. If your gonna wip it out in front of me, I WILL LOOK. and that’s that. (your an exabitionist and I am a peeping tom get over it )

Did I ever tell you about the time I was a missionary in the Philippines and I was talking to a lady in the park when her 8 year old kid came up, lifted up her shirt and knocked back a few fingers of breast milk while I sat there and taught her about the savior? Or the time my wife and I went on an “overnight-er” to get away from our kids but forgot the breast pump. I spent about an hour milking her to relieve the agony.

This is pretty much all I want to say about the subject except this. if you do it, its not for ninnies. It hurts, your nipples will crack and bleed. you will probably get mastitis but if you give up….. well …..

the bull

January 2, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | , | 4 Comments