Bitterbarn’s Weblog

aka “The Bull” (some content not suitable for children or religous zealots)

“Going Natural”

At this point in my otherwise worthless blog I think I should give some advise. This is my contribution to society.
What is going natural? At my job (not the red light district) its what happens when a woman has the gal to have a baby without any sensory altering intervention. To those who would “go natural” or think going natural might be the thang for them, here are some pearls.
first, if your plan to “go natural” you must plan for it. You need to ask yourself; “self, what am I gonna do when Squeezing a 7 pound water melon out my back-side starts to gasp… hurt”. You should plan some relaxation techniques that involve focusing on a certain point, breathing and concentration.
In the thousands of epidurals I have placed in the middle of the night I have come to determine that unless you are extremely committed to the cause and you wish for pain to befall you, unless you have a plan to make it. you will in no wise “go natural”.
Many women wish for no such thing, some in fact would take an epidural in the back somewhere around 30 weeks if it was allowable. These people usually get their epidurals early and subsequently safely before any transition labor pain is felt. This is a great way to go. you can get your epidural while you can still sit still. The converse is usually not true.
If you are one who are of this ilk. ” I am gonna see how far I can get and if I absolutely can not make it then I will have an epidural”. This might work out for some but by and large this is a bad idea. When labor hits “ludicrous pain” and you finally succumb to the epidural, you will be hard pressed to A) answer the questions necessary for you pre-epidural assessment and sign the consent form and B) find it almost impossible to sit still during the horrific contractions. This is Never a pretty picture. I think some women avoid getting an epidural because they fear the placement of such. Will it be painful? only the first part when the skin is “numbed” a little poke and a burn. After this usually no sharp pain is felt at all, just some pressure and pushing. (isn’t this what you felt when this all started anyway) Occasionally some will feel a little zing down one leg which is temporary and usually benign.
So unless you are a glutton for pain. Unless you are one who wants to the feel the real meaning of woman/mother hood in you loins to the extent that rivals those picking rice in a field or early Neanderthal labor pain; I suggest an epidural and the earlier the better.

P.S. My wife ardors pain she “went natural” 4 times. And besides, shes married to me isn’t she.

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September 19, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | | 1 Comment

Hairspray Recuperation

I’ve been watching all 4 of my children whilst my wife is on sabbatical, its been a week and there is respite in site. She gets home tonight. They are young, all under 6 years old, the youngest being one. I can hardly see how their being “young” is any reason for them to act like gremlins. My plan has been just to stay in the house and throw food at them and change the TV station ever so often to keep them within its tractor beam. Well, Yesterday They began to become desensitized to the effect of Noggin television and began to talk to me. I figured we all needed to get out of the house to see if there was still a sun in the sky. The Plan: load them up and take them to the 4:15 showing of Hairspray. We made it to the theatre, I bought the tickets while the four year old corralled the two year old and kept constant back pressure on her arm to keep her from darting out into the parking lot. Much to my dismay/delight some nice, older, respected folks from our church turned up and we discovered we were going to the same movie.
Keeping with my “throw food at them” technique I stopped by concessions to buy some popcorn, twizzlers, kitcat one large SPRITE for them and one large DR. Pepper for me. (light substance abuse is my key to happiness) The gentlemen we knew from the ward could tell I had my hands full and offered to carry the libations to the theatre while I herded the children in the same direction.
There was nobody in the theatre and the previews were going. Perfect, I thought If my kids talk a little there wont be anyone to annoy other than the couple behind us from church; and since they’ve seen us at church they’ll know what to expect :). The kids made it through the previews. About five minutes into the movie I looked down my row and congratulated myself on mission accomplished. Three girls all sat mesmerized; popcorn and sucking on licorice with an occasional sip of the communal sprite. My son, the 1 year old was on my lap calm as could be, watching the movie. I had made it to Nirvana.
A group of about 10 teenage girls walked in to the move just as it was starting and took there seats directly in front of us.
I must have become temporarily complacent as the next thing i knew I looked down and my son was sipping on my Dr. Pepper. Oh dear, I thought he might have trouble getting to sleep tonight. At least he was happy. five minutes later he lost his mind. He was standing on my knees bobbing up and down, jamming out to the music in the movie. Then he was down walking in the isle High Fiving each of his sisters on his way to the end of the row. Now he is on the stairs crawling up to the top of the stairs and back down, then back up and back down again, and again, and… again. well at least hes not bugging anyone. He poorly negotiated one step coming down and tumbled a few levels. He cried so I went and got him and took him to the door way to calm him down. Now that I have left the isle, the girls have decided to follow their brothers example of climbing up and down the stairs. My son wanted down so he could go party some more so he payed a visit to the teenage girls sitting in front of us and they humored him by cooing and saying high as he crawled (on the floor) down their row. At this point my two year old picked up the large cup o sprite and dropped it on the floor spraying sprite all over the unsuspecting girls in front of us. I exclaimed my apologies, grabbed the two year old (now crying) and reached over the seats and picked up the one year old who had clearly deposited a stool sample in his britches.
I was now rather embarrassed as the couple from our ward sat like statues trying to pretend they didn’t notice the mayhem. They’ve seen this at church so their used to it.
I took the kids, through them in the car and squealed the tires as we left. All the kids went to bed at 6:30 right when we got home. I am still trying to recuperated from my enjoyable day with my kids.

September 13, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | , | Leave a comment

Memories of a hurricaine

Watching the news; and seeing the hurricane news reminded me of the last time I was accosted by a disturbing piece of weather. August 2005 we had been invited to go with my parents to a luxurious resort in playa del carmen. They had gotten a once in a life time offer to stay at the resort. A ridiculously low price for the accommodation had us packing our bags. Ninety dollars for a week of sun, beach and buffets was just the carrot we needed to drag our then family of 5 to Mexico in the height of hurricane season. In hind site maybe the price and season where evenly matched though I’ve never confirmed it.
So we set off in search of our nirvana in full knowledge of a brewing hurricane Wilma. Far too excited to give any credence to a brewing hurricane Wilma that was days away anyway; We arrived and enjoyed our first day sitting by the pool, getting massages, braiding our hair, drinking pina coladas and dancing. It was truly going to be one of the most relaxing vacations I had ever taken despite having three small children with us.
The buzz about hurricane Wilma began to be more apparent anytime we went anywhere that had a TV. The hurricane had whipped itself into the largest hurricane in the history of the gulf. The weather mans for casted trajectory had the eye of the hurricane literally hitting our beach in the next day or two. Of course we took this to be hog-wash, cuz everyone know that the hurricane will turn and completely miss us.
Later that night the hospital delivered a message, a warning really, that they expected the hurricane to indeed hit the resort and the local government was encouraging all foreigners to fly home right away. we drove inland and had the most authentic Mexican vacation ever. I am no longer a fan of hurricanes.

September 11, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | | Leave a comment

Balloon Day…

There having a Balloon… rally, or… festival or whatever they call them when a bunch of hot air balloon enthusiasts get together to show off their wares; here in Lubbock. So we being the “hot air balloon enthusiasts” we are, got up at 0530 this morning to go watch them “launch”. I have to say it was pretty cool. There was rumor of a Storm brewing which delayed the launch by about an hour. Once the balloons got out of their various colorful trailers and out onto Terra firma there was plenty of action that kept us all entertained. I was amazed at how the balloons could almost control where they were going. it seemed, that by varring altitudes pilots could navigate the balloons to drift away and then com back to the spot from which they launched. Anyway, if you here of a Balloon launch near you I suggest you go check it out. Like my 4 year old says, “its always good to try new things”. (we may need to amend that later in life)

September 9, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment